Dylan has written 34 reviews for films rated ★½ .

  • Area 51

    Area 51


    Pour one out for Oren Peli’s directing career 😔.

  • Killers Anonymous

    Killers Anonymous


    The end of a long game of telephone Tarantino unknowingly kicked off with Reservoir Dogs and the slew of imitators that followed. Just a garble of influences and styles passing for cleverness.

  • Tom & Jerry

    Tom & Jerry


    This really harkens back to that dark age of family films that were unnecessarily handicapped by the “X goes to the real world” approach. Remember when The Smurfs were sidelined to deal with marital strife and the pressures of being an expecting parent? Blech! I need more Rube Goldberg machines and less hotel event manager politics. It shouldn’t be this hard.

  • The Kissing Booth 2

    The Kissing Booth 2


    The exact kind of frivolous teen movie the first one wanted to be and more. 2 hour runtimes should be outlawed for high school rom coms. Fully ready for the three and a half hour cut of the third installment to be the critical hit of 2021.

  • The War with Grandpa

    The War with Grandpa


    There are two, count ‘em, TWO gags that involve De Niro flashing his goodfellas at Rob Riggle. A little cowardly on the filmmakers part to not go for a third to complete the rule of threes. Someone should really contact one of the producers (of which there are 38, one of whom is Guy Fieri!) to rally for a Hill cut to give us, the fans, what they want: to pants legendary actor Robert De Niro to complete the full…

  • National Security

    National Security


    Yikes! It’s police brutality played for laughs....and it’s the main catalyst that brings our two buddy cops together! This makes Green Book seem nuanced in comparison.

  • War Machine

    War Machine


    Boom, you shouldn’t be looking for this.

  • Siren



    I expect nothing, and I’m still let down.

  • Lucky Numbers

    Lucky Numbers


    This is a cursed movie.

  • Artemis Fowl

    Artemis Fowl


    Judi Dench sure made a choice by basing her character on Mac’s mom from Its Always Sunny.

  • The Lion King

    The Lion King


    These recent live action Disney remakes are existentially horrifying to me. It’s essentially the same movie I know and love, so why shouldn’t I love this movie? 

    I don’t know man, at least to me these remakes seem almost pandering. By shifting these stories to a live action setting it feels like an attempt to affirm a childhood object into the more adult realm of reality. Not just a cash grab, but a statement that you can only enjoy something that is meant for children if it’s not animated. Despicable.

  • The Perfect Date

    The Perfect Date


    There is almost a kernel of an idea here about teenage identity and the looming pressure of college (I’m talking like mustard seed size, nothing too big). And the film constantly champions for individuals to form their own identities, but while doing it in the most generic way possible. It’s really telling when one of the key traits of your character is (and I quote the movie when saying this) just plain old vanilla.

    And I know we all clown on Noah Centineo now, but watch him pull a Robert Pattinson level career change on us in the next decade.