Dylan has written 76 reviews for films rated ★★ .

  • Space Jam: A New Legacy

    Space Jam: A New Legacy


    Don Cheadle innocent, doing the absolute most in this slop. We’ve really reverted back to that dark age of Friedberg and Seltzer style comedy where references and cameos pass for story. This thankfully isn’t as egregious as watching Jack Sparrow getting hit in the nards repeatedly by the minions, but the decision to make the villain an evil algorithm whose goal is to make unholy mashups of popular icons while also having an extended sequence composed of The Tunes inserted…

  • Fast & Furious

    Fast & Furious


    Copy of a copy of a copy; a sequel to a Point Break riff using the structure of 2 Fast 2 Furious all covered in that sleek teal and orange tinged cinematography Michael Bay brought to action movies in the late 2000s. Languid and lazy, not what you want out of a franchise this boisterous and sincere.

  • Infinite



    Has all the bones of a YA adventure (your Harry Potters, Divergents, Infinites, Maze Runners, Never-Haven-Wonder-Hageners, it’s all the same shit) snapped and clumsily arranged to resemble a satisfying blockbuster vehicle. The outsider thrust into a clandestine fantasy war is much more engrossing when you’re following a wide eyed teen discovering they’re part of a much larger world for the first time instead of 50 year old Mark Wahlberg enacting his power fantasy of being a reincarnated Japanese blacksmith/Aztec warrior. Would sit comfortably among five other copies that all local thrift stores inexplicably have, but now rests buried as a necessary casualty of the ongoing streaming wars.

  • The Whole Truth

    The Whole Truth


    You can get the same level of thrills and intrigue from an episode of Law and Order: SVU, so just flip to an already in progress marathon on USA and go wild. This is not worth the time, even to see a laughably bad voice over from Keanu Reeves that rivals Harrison Ford’s original narration of Blade Runner.

  • Things Heard & Seen

    Things Heard & Seen


    I really have to stop peeking at whatever horror movie manages to crack the Netflix top 10 these days. Fool me once Netflix, shame on you. Fool me week after week, you think I would’ve shamed myself already.

    Flubs all attempts to be a homespun ghost story about modern domesticity and in the process becomes a hyper sterilized Amityville remix (complete with feminist theological overtones? The jury is still out on that one). Dreary and not in the fun way.

  • Thunder Force

    Thunder Force


    Not satire, not parody, not a send up or even a deconstruction; just a really clumsy way to frame a string of half baked jokes. I actually think Melissa McCarthy is a pretty talented performer, but it’s getting increasingly hard to defend her where each comedy she does feels more and more disposable. Nonetheless, I’ll see you all at the next Ben Falcone directed vehicle where she plays a submarine captain or some shit. I’m not giving up just yet.

  • Graveyard Shift

    Graveyard Shift


    Brad Dourif always understands the assignment.

  • Ghoulies



    The third best little rubber puppet monster movie from the 80s, but still somehow not the worst little rubber puppet monster movie from the 80s. It’s a strange world we live in.

  • Fear of Rain

    Fear of Rain


    Seeing Buzzfeed Studios appear in the opening credits unlocked a negative response that should not be created by seeing a production company. No thank you.

  • Malcolm & Marie

    Malcolm & Marie


    So desperate and unflattering. Possibly the biggest self-own in cinematic history? Somehow worse than a “bad” movie, it’s like conversion therapy for anyone with a deep passion for film. I’m all for having discussions about the merits and detriments of modern film criticism, just not when they take the form of immaculately choreographed meltdowns. There’s no grit or realism prescribed to any of these arguments despite both actors giving it their all and displaying some illusion of emotion and conflict.…

  • The Secrets We Keep

    The Secrets We Keep


    Chris Messina deserves better.

  • The Vanished

    The Vanished


    I know it’s pretty weak criticism to just say that X is just a worse version of Y, but when Prisoners exists...I think it’s fair game.