Dylan has written 10 reviews for films rated ★★ during 2019.

  • Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

    Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

    ★★

    Talk about a sophomore slump.

    It does play better than The Phantom Menace and that’s about all I can ask of it. I do see why some prefer the predecessor though. This whole movie is just one long sigh and consistently meh. But I don’t know, there’s still a bit of intrigue with the clone storyline and John William’s love theme still fucks.

  • Blackenstein

    Blackenstein

    ★★

    There is something ALMOST something here about the treatment of people of color in the armed forces, but the film isn’t entirely interested in that thread and instead only tries to imitate the iconography of the original Frankenstein. The film also takes a break to showcase a standup routine, which I can’t say most films nowadays do. Blackenstein was indeed a trailblazer!

  • Spookies

    Spookies

    ★★

    Spookies is a film that personifies the best and worst of the hit Halloween song “The Monster Mash”. It’s got ghouls and goblins galore, but makes absolutely zero sense and only manages to coast by with some impressive effects. Any sense of horror is replaced with a giddy mischievousness. Truly a graveyard smash (with some tombstones made of styrofoam).

  • First Kill

    First Kill

    ★★

    Props to the editor for making me think I had a stroke every ten minutes.

  • 13 Cameras

    13 Cameras

    ★★

    The only way this film could be redeemed is if sometime in the future it is revealed that the antagonist is actually Nevel Papperman of ICarly fame. And the events that transpire are a Loganesque tale of a child savant fallen from grace.

  • The Curse of La Llorona

    The Curse of La Llorona

    ★★

    The movie gets meta for like one second and embraces the Scooby-Dooniverse and gets straight back to being boring.

  • Taking Lives

    Taking Lives

    ★★

    The Lifetime channel presents: Manhunter

  • Secret Obsession

    Secret Obsession

    ★★

    No amount of Wendy Wu or the All State man can help your film escape cliche after cliche.

  • Beautiful Creatures

    Beautiful Creatures

    ★★

    There is a good version of this and that version plays on ABC Family or FOX until the plug gets pulled after a disappointing second season.

  • Wine Country

    Wine Country

    ★★

    A lotta white noise. And that’s the tea 🍷