Paul Blart

Paul Blart

Pro

Weird Al devotee who thinks Twin Peaks: The Return is trash

Favorite films

  • The Old Dark House
  • Viy
  • The Fog
  • The Changeling

Recent activity

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  • Night of the Living Dead

    ½

  • The Lords of Salem

    ★★★

  • The Manor

    ½

  • John Wayne Gacy: Devil in Disguise

    ★★★★

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  • Joker

    Joker

    ★★★★★

    For all the hubbub surrounding it this movie is surprisingly simple and effective, carried by an excellent Joaquin Phoenix performance, a striking soundtrack, and beautiful cinematography. 
    It’s become the center of a socio-political firestorm because of “what it is” and “what it says”, but I’m not going to try to assign it any meaning because I don’t believe it’s actually saying anything at all. It uses images and phrases from current politics to pull people in but ultimately I don’t…

  • The Matrix

    The Matrix

    ★★

    My wife mentioned that the trailer for the new Matrix film dropped so I stopped and watched it and still, two decades later, don’t get the franchise’s appeal. 
    I remember seeing the trailer for this during the Super Bowl and remember the palpable hype brewing amongst my peer group in eighth grade. We (read: younger teenage boys) were at that time the target demographic for this film. A flashy, splashy effects driven science fiction action film chock full of prime…

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  • Night of the Living Dead

    Night of the Living Dead

    Recipe for a remake of Night Of The Living Dead
    By Tom Savini

    Ingredients:
    •1 portion Bad Acting
    •2 portions flat television level cinematography 
    •A dollop of 80’s television soundtrack 
    •Light sprinkling of creative zombie designs (just remember the zombies shouldn’t do anything fun or cool!)
    •A liberal glazing of No Bullshit™️ brand Action Heroine®️ so that people know this is 1990

    Directions
    Mix main contents in bowl until lumpy and uneven then spread thinly onto baking pan. Bake at…

  • The Lords of Salem

    The Lords of Salem

    ★★★

    Fun fact: This was the first Rob Zombie movie I ever tried to watch and I was so bored I didn’t even make it halfway before turning it off. Now I’ve seen a handful of his films (I’ll actually say that his first Halloween is one of the best in the franchise because of what he does for the first two thirds) and this has to be the most Rob Zombie film there is. 
    It’s trashy, it has plenty of…

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  • Thunderpants

    Thunderpants

    ★★★★★

    A kid farts himself into outer space and if you don’t get why that’s great then you’re probably into French art house cinema.

  • The Manor

    The Manor

    At only 81 minutes long I can say this easily: this movie is 81 minutes too long. 
    Fuck you, Blumhouse and Amazon, give me my time back! 

    (As a note: Avoid any and all of the straight-to-streaming Blumhouse movies; they’re all patently awful.)

    Watched on Amazon Prime