Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

Things that I hated in this "movie"

The opening was illogical for Grindlewald. There was no reason, beyond situational drama, to have his henchman dude guy person to reveal that Grindlebald wasn't in the carriage. Remaining hidden would have made the entire escape significantly easier. I call BS on this whole scene. When would GrittyBad have planned this thing? WHY was the plan so bad?

The opening scene with Newt was shot to look like a Sci-Fi Channel film. Inspired.

I like the way we were supposed to care about this LeStrange character even though we don't. Really subverting my idea of a well-written character.

Approx. 30 minutes of this movie is dedicated to arbitrary Newt-oddities. He plays with beasts, it's cute, rinse and repeat. ToOoO bad it's the best part of the movie.

Dumbledaddy has a sweet scene with that mirror from Sorcerer's Stone with Grindlevald. It's touching and lasts maybe 15 seconds. That's it for the intriguing aspects of the movie.

Queenie is converted to a wizard racist but she's married to what she swears to hate maybe because Grindlecalled kinda changes his mind maybe? I was lost at the end.

Speaking of the end WWII makes a cameo oops

Queenie's less interesting sister has a rom-com subplot with Newt over a damn newspaper.

Newt's brother.

THE BITCH THAT HAD THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE IS IN THIS MOVIE AND YOU SEE THE DAMN STONE AND I FLIPPED. THIS WAS WRONG AND I HATED IT AND IT WAS HORRIBLE AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

There are 11 characters on the poster and only two matter in the larger picture

The protagonist has nothing to do. Newt has no place in this story.

They insinuated rape. This adds nothing to the plot.

^^^It's a bait and switch because Bad-Neck-Creedance is a Dumbledor.

Remember Dumbledor? He's not in this movie anymore. Not relevant.

Oh how about Hogwarts? I loved their clothing design and literally nothing else.

REMEMBER THIS???? It's like Rogue One with characters you care about even less

SO Newt had a thing with Lettagirlgo LeStrange which doesn't really matter because he has one awkward situation with him but she dies at the end anyway and I felt nothing?

Ice dragons v. Firewall sounds badass why is it not

Those cat-dog things in the 3rd act looked like the Goosbumps live action movie.

Queenie's husband is the best part but I think the movie forgot about him

EVERY scene is standing and talking. It's like they picked up a book and made it a script.

The last shot is so poorly lit it makes so sense given the context of the environment... maybe they forgot to grade it? It looked like raw footage.

Grittypaw does not do one crime. I mean I guess he kinda lets a child die but haven't we all?

The movie is so visually dark. Not in the Half-Blood Prince way, but in the I'm seeing Solo opening night in the worst theater room and the whole Kessel scene was a create-your-own-adventure because you can't see what's going on. I imagined Han doing backflips to evade the h8ters.

The CGI was kinda awful? The bubble effect was nice in that one scene but most of it was so over the top.

There was a kinda good musical motif but it was overshadowed by a mostly mediocre score.

I'm this far and I just remembered there's a lestrange brother. Does he die? Who's to say.

Okay so SnakeLady is in this movie but talks less than Darth Maul in Phantom Menace. She also is hanging with the good guys at the end but I thought she liked CreedII (in theatres now) or something but I guess Creed was just a hit-it-and-quit-it kinda thing.

It has no reason to be set in Paris. I think you maybe see the tower in a scene but there's no visual distinction.

You thought No-Mag sounded bad?? Wait until you hear what I got for you.

I've referenced Star Wars twice. Let me add -- This is the Attack of the Clones of the Harry Potter movie but at least Attack of the Clones has meme potential and it actually makes sense. Also it looks better and has a better score oops I don't make the rules

Carson liked this review