Monster Hunter

Monster Hunter

I got stoned and wrote about Monster Hunter.

Sample here:

As an idiot of the “Vulgar Auteurism” Hall of Fame and alumni of goofy film shit that ultimately meant nothing, I can proudly state that I have been on the front-lines of praising shit like DTV action movies and Paul W.S. Anderson’s video game flicks for the better part of a decade. I have Gamer on DVD and everything. Anyway, so with Monster Hunter you’re getting exactly what it says on the tin, there’s some monsters and they need-a-hunting. With the flimsiest slapdash plot stapled onto this thing where a soldier (Mila Jovovich, who is a confirmed Bernie-Bro) is trying to get to the other side of the mystical sand-storm tornado straight out of Mad Max: Fury Road, so she can get back to her husband or wife or whoever the hell gave her the cheap-o wedding ring. She’s got a buddy in Tony Jaa, and Tony Jaa is a good buddy to have. But before she can get to the other side of this roadblock the proverbial troll guarding the bridge must be slain and in order to do that sort of thing she’s gotta learn how to wield fire-blades and cut off the fangs of a giant poisonous spider so she can put the fucker blocking the way to sleep so she can get home. It all kicks a lot of ass, and I haven’t even gotten to the point with the Big Fucking Dragon whose diet consists of helicopter blades and tanks. Ron Perlman’s here too, to jump out of the fucking sky like an Olympian hunk and help the gang out. Big Paulie, as I like to call Mister Anderson when stoned, imbues all of this with his smart visual language and he’s got his cocaine editor Doobie White ( of Crank fame) coming back from the last Resident Evil movie to insert just a few too many whip-snap edits for my addled brain to keep up with, but there’s a kinetic energy to all of it that rules a hell of a lot. And I’m sorry but if you can’t fuck with a Big Fucking Dragon doing all sorts of badass shit then we want different things out of cinema. It’s like Truffaut said when he was interviewing Hitchcock, “if there can be room for a Big Fucking Dragon then it is necessary to wrangle him into your cinematic language”, to which Alfred Hitchcock agreed and said it was his only misstep when making The Birds.

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