• One Night in Bangkok

    One Night in Bangkok

    ...or: video-on-demand Collateral, with Mark Dacascos as Tom Cruise and Vanita Golten as Jamie Foxx, if the Cruise character was pursuing revenge, the Foxx character was as blank as a fart with the flat affect of a mental patient, the cinematography was done by a man who grew up on Miami Vice before his palsy diagnosis, and it was directed by the master artist who helmed Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever.

    All of that is hyperbole except for the director thing:…

  • Powder Blue

    Powder Blue

    This is what voting for Magnolia for a bunch of Oscars gets you, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: two hours of dumbass fucking misery porn with a plot, fueled by a ridiculous coincidence, featuring a cast who should've fucking known better.

    So what do we have here: Ray Liotta walking into the ocean. Forest Whitaker holding a gun to his own head. Jessica Biel's a stripper tanking on dates like she's not a mainstay on Mr. Skin. Eddie…

  • Prisoners of the Ghostland

    Prisoners of the Ghostland

    ★½

    ...or: Mad Nic: Beyond Mescaline.

    ...or: Escape from New Anime.

    ...or: Judge Cage: The Cursed Screenplay.

    You get the idea.

    It is the near future, and the Earth has become mostly uninhabitable due to nuclear waste and excessive stylization. Nic Cage is Hero, named because screenwriters Aaron Hendry and Reza Sixo Safai have a sense of irony, and because they also read Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash. You see, Hero is actually a bank robber whose last job went bad, held…

  • The Medium

    The Medium

    ★★★

    Okay kids, fetch yer Uncle Rob some more bourbon and huddle up for a minute so he can lay some wisdom on you: homemade cobra whiskey from the Far East might seem like a cool and transgressive way to get fuxxored, but don't you believe it. Once upon a time, yer Uncle Rob worked with a Vietnamese dude who, upon learning of my taste for hooch, brought me some homemade bee whiskey. It was in a recycled Woodford Reserve bourbon…

  • Red Notice

    Red Notice

    ★½

    I have mentioned before that my SO has a... thing for Ryan Reynolds. And since this has been a long week, yet I have next week off on vacation while she doesn't, meaning I can watch all the quality movies with whatever casts I want, well, here we are. Spending Friday night watching The Burger King Paper Crown Affair.

    Ryan Reynolds is one of the world's greatest art thieves: he uses stealth, technology and parkour to steal while taunting the…

  • Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

    Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

    ★★½

    It's a story that's been told and retold through the ages: Asian warlord with superpowers meets magic ninja princess, they fall into illicit love and give birth to Karate Jesus, and then grow apart. Mom raises Karate Jesus to love origami and puppies and shit, but she dies, so Dad trains him in the ancient art of I KICK YOUR FACE. Karate Jesus prefers funneling Coors Light and cranking off to Rick and Morty, so he runs to San Francisco…

  • Censor

    Censor

    ★★★½

    The thing adults always forget about being a kid is that, no matter what rules you lay down about entertainment, there's always a loophole. You forbid watching a movie? That's okay, you've got a buddy with HBO willing to give you an unlabeled tape. Don't want the kids listening to some kind of music? That same band plays loud and proud on the field trip bus. Hell, my folks went days without sleep to keep movies and TV with "too…

  • I Walked with a Zombie

    I Walked with a Zombie

    ★★½

    White Man's Burden, Lloyd, my man! White Man's Burden.
    - Jack Torrance

    I Walked with a Zombie is a weird watch in 2021. It's a South Seas world of translucently white patrician sugar plantation owners, and cheerfully subservient, superstitious former slaves who work for them. It makes no bones about the slave trade that built this world, while still depicting white saviors trying to convert the locals to good old Jesus, and using the indigenous religion as a short con…

  • The Visitor

    The Visitor

    ★★

    or: Never Bet Against Space Satan's Basketball Team, but Always Keep an Eye on the Point Spread.

    Okay, imagine it's 1979. Star Wars is the biggest movie in the world, but we're only five or six years out from The Exorcist loading the pants of Godfearing Americans three shows a night. The Omen had been a big hit, and The Birds was a classic. You're an Italian genre director who knows Sam Arkoff from American International Pictures and Samuel Goldwyn,…

  • Angel Face

    Angel Face

    ★★★½

    Anyone who professes to believe in love at first sight without any irony should be given a wide berth, as they are either ridiculously naive, or they haven't seen any film noir. Or worse, they have seen some noir, and it has given them some ideas. And those ideas will rarely have your best interests at heart, unless you happen to be an incarceration enthusiast, or someone with a morbid curiosity of what it would be like going through life…

  • The Suicide Squad

    The Suicide Squad

    ★★★½

    I've written about this movie before, so I don't want to go crazy, but I do want to talk about how the opening of The Suicide Squad is, for a comic book movie, about the perfect construction to educate the audience that, despite being a sequel, this is a very different kind of movie than the original.

    We open with a recognizable actor, most recently known for yelling, "I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!" killing a cute little bird. Cut to a…

  • Gaia

    Gaia

    ★★½

    The future is inherently a good thing.
    - Spider Jersualem

    I am a firm believer in technology. I live in a smart home, I carry a supercomputer in my pocket, and even quit smoking cigarettes because some lunatic with a soldering iron and a dream tinkered up a way to simulate them electronically. My attitude is, my ancestors didn't claw their way out of primordial muck just for me to spend my days picking questionable mushrooms out of shit bogs…