Army of the Dead

Army of the Dead ★½

Much like Watchmen, the opening credit sequence is a hell of a lot of fun. I wish I had turned it off at that point. I’m done with Snyder. I was never a fan of his; his Dawn of the Dead remake is decent, and while I wouldn’t necessarily argue that Watchmen is truly a “good film”, I do like it. Everything else he’s done can fuck off eternally. This fucker can’t deliver a movie under 2 hours, and now thanks to his unbearable fan base, and streaming services like Netflix, he doesn’t have to.

I used to at least be able to admire his visuals - much like respecting certain painters skill, without necessarily enjoying their aesthetic on a personal level - but this movie... this fucking movie. Have you ever felt like you had sleep in your eyes for almost 3 hours? What the actual fuck? I almost got a headache trying to look at this unfocused pile of shit. 

The musical choices are so on the nose, that it just became laughable at a certain point. The jokes were even worse. 

The cast is... fine. Snyder has 2.5 hours to make me care about these people, hell, give me one character that feels remotely like an actual human being, but he utterly fails to do so. Couldn’t give a fuck about any of them, so there’s no tension. 

Don’t get me started on the pacing. Good god. It’s not just a matter of being way too long, though that doesn’t help, it’s a foundational structural issue. I’m convinced Snyder doesn’t even know what pacing is. People seem to agree that his Justice League is superior, but if it takes 4 hours to tell that story, does it really count?

The only positives for me, aside from the aforementioned opening credits, were the setting and the gore. Think about what directors like Altman, Kurosawa, Scorsese, Lean and Coppola accomplished with long runtimes. I’m not saying Snyder needs to aspire to match those giants of cinema, but as it is, he’s barely reaching Michael Bay levels here.

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