Blair Witch

Blair Witch ½

Oh just fuck off, will ya?

But, it's a sequel/reboot! We have to pay homage to the original!

Listen Mr You've-directed-the-guest-so-you-deserve-some-slack-but-you're-awfully-close-to-being-called-mr-Wankard-from-now-on, paying homage does not mean basically copying everything and simply updating it. And how the fuck are you paying homage if you TAKE AWAY EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MYSTERY THAT MADE THE ORIGINAL SO TERRIFYING? (to me, that is. I scare easily.)

But but we've got all these cool cameras and stuff

THAT YOU ONLY USE TO INDUCE EPILEPSY!!

But we've got a drone

FUCK OFF!!

But we're totally expanding the mythology around the Blair Witch

NO YOU'RE NOT YOU DAFT WANKER YOU'RE DESTROYING IT BY ACTUALLY SHOWING EVERYTHING. MY IMAGINATION IS MUCH MORE FRIGHTENING THAN THAT SILLY GENERIC MONSTER DESIGN YOU SHAT OUT!!

but our movie is really

OH JUST FUCK OFF ALREADY!