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  • The War with Grandpa

    The War with Grandpa

    You can tell this was a movie that sat on the shelf for years until a pandemic happened and the studio saw it as a perfect excuse to cut their losses and claim it as a undue loss for their taxes or something. Congrats to the $3 DVD bin at Walmart on your new permanent fixture.

  • Cranston Academy: Monster Zone

    Cranston Academy: Monster Zone

    ½

    I went into this both with low expectations (as I hadn’t heard of this at all the last year and found it by chance) and also with a certain leniency (since it’s Mexican-made animation and thus doesn’t have the budget of your Disney or Warner Bros projects). Even with that, this is incredibly tough to sit through. The story is virtually nonexistent, the humor is really bad, and the voice acting (clearly chosen by the British and Canadian studios that…

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  • Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

    Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

    ★½

    The idea of Jason as a haunting symbol of trauma is really interesting on paper, but A New Beginning bungles it in every way possible by making “Jason” a copycat killer whose identity reveal at the end is not only super tacked-on, but retroactively makes the entire rest of the movie you’ve watched feel empty and pointless. If Joey’s death makes Roy insane enough to kill for revenge, why does he kill a whole bunch of people who have nothing…

  • Dolittle

    Dolittle

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    A gorilla kicks a tiger in the balls.
    The heroes find an uncharted magical island, that Downey Jr. says doesn't exist in our world, by just kind of sailing around aimlessly for a while.
    A dragon farts on Robert Downey Jr., who then shoves his arms shoulder deep into its asshole and pulls out a set of bagpipes, providing a subsequent follow-up fart joke.

    And these are all in the version of the movie that Universal cobbled together themselves, after…