sydney lou who’s review published on Letterboxd:
After battling depression for most of my teenage years, it came back again, and worse this time.
I couldn't focus. I'd cry all the time. My grades suffered. I stopped writing. All the things I was good at and loved with a passion seemed to exist just beyond my reach. I was a failure. I didn't deserve to exist. I punished myself in my own thoughts.
Sandra sits at the foot of her bed and cries, says she's nothing. She doesn't exist. Her husband takes her hand and presses their foreheads together, a quiet act of reassurance.
I lay in my bed and sob into the phone, apologizing over and over while my girlfriend tells me that everything will be okay. That she loves me. That she's not going anywhere.
Sandra cries in the back of a restaurant, hunched over as she sobs because she does not want her children to see her this way.
I cry alone in the bathroom at my friend's birthday party because I knew I wasn't strong enough to go out, and yet here I am, crying, and she can't see me like this. I refuse to be someone they pity.
Sandra hunches over, curls herself up, gasps quietly for air and struggles so heavily as the weight of everything rests on her shoulders.
I feel it too. I carry that weight with me everywhere. It hurts so much sometimes that I can't breathe. But like Sandra, I keep walking.
I'm trying to be. I'm sorry I've been gone so long, but I'm working my way back.