Call Me by Your Name

Call Me by Your Name ★★★★★

I haven’t tried to write anything about this on any of the times I’ve watched it. It is one of those movies that bring you something different each time; an endless adventure where you’ll find a new corner to explore and behold when you decide to dive in the wonderful world of sensations Luca Guadagnino created once more. I didn’t intend to write anything about it today. But I’ve got a lot on my mind, and I know it’s not even the beginning of everything this movie will bring to me, but I’ll carry on and pour my thoughts.

Like Mr. Perlman, I have not found true, complete, devoted love. I’m seventeen. I’m young. But I’ve got shots, and something always held me back. All the times. And I knew what it was all the times and never managed to do anything to stop it. I ran. Every time, I ran. So I may yet know nothing about love. But just this time, I will try to talk about it.

Love is in the eyes. The gestures. The breathing. Love is behind walls created out of fear and insecurity, lying inside you and filling you up and you know it’s there even you try to not realize it. It’s on Elio’s rolling of eyes when he realizes Oliver won’t come to dinner, followed by complete desolation when his plate is removed of the table and his absence becomes a certainty. It’s in those kind of annoying mannerisms he puts up to show everyone he doesn’t care, when nothing is more transparent in him than the fact the he cares — by lying awake at night, wondering where Oliver is; by trying to call him arrogant or avoid looking curious when someone asks of him, by looking away when he sees it with someone else (someone he can be with without having to hide anything). It’s in the timid smile that rises up on Elio’s face when he realizes Oliver cares about what he’s thinking.

It is the humbleness of both of them. The esteem they have on one another. It’s Elio’s sheer surprise stamped on his eyes when he realizes someone sees him and likes him for what he is. And that all those times he thought he wasn’t going to be able to do something if he found a chance goes away. Because he is there, and time — the most cruel of factors that rules us and ruins us — isn’t something they can waste. And all of a sudden, he decides to speak; not fudge, or die. And then it’s the sliding of a note through their shared door and the wonder on seeing you got an answer back.

It is everywhere in that room when they finally meet at midnight. It fills the air. It’s in all their tensed muscles while they hold each other so, so, so tightly you can feel it across the TV. It’s in the trembled respirations. The holding. The kisses. It’s even in the morning after (maybe, especially in the morning after) when resentment comes in and tries to dismantle all the wonderful things you’ve got — because there’s no way you, out of people; you, who surely doesn’t deserve it; you, who doesn’t have any emotional or physical appeal that you can see, would be so lucky to have so much. So, so much.

It’s on using the borrowed time and trying to make the best out of it. It’s on knowing it’s going to end — wearily, harshly, in the blink of an eye — and not shutting yourself to it. They know they’re going to miss it. They know that it’s going to hurt so badly for them to let each other go. They know there’s no way to come back from that — that all of their future actions will be stained with the mark of the lovers that bears their name and there’s no way to avoid it. So they don’t.

It may seems incomprehensible that they’ve found everything love means within days — counting from the time they truly embraced their feelings and put down their barriers —, but they did. And Luca managed to behold and maintain all of that truth.

And finally — even though all those feelings will be present in both of their lives for a long time —, it’s Elio by the fireplace, full of pain, and sorrow, and aching, but no regrets. Happiness. There’s pain, but there’s so much happiness. And gratefulness. And pure, pure happiness. And that’s how it should always be. And it was. And for that, thank you. To everyone involved. I have a long road ahead, and I do hope I am lucky enough to find such a love — and be brave enough to accept it —, but to watch it unravel between two other lovers, no matter how long passes, will always, always clean my soul. Every time.

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