when i was a kid, i had a toy of the violator. i remember him having like bendy arms, the kind with wire inside. i don't even remember watching or reading spawn. but somehow i had the violator. i used to have nightmares of the violator suspended on a string in a dark room above my crib (???), which doesn't make sense because i must've been 10 or so. anyway, the violator TERRIFIED me. nothing ever happened in the dream but it felt like it was about to. there was an impression of the violator slowly descending on me. which still kinda upsets me.

i do not remember the clown part of him. the clown has the same energy as the pest? am i wrong?? like a booger he sticks to this? that is just something the clown would say. but the violator looks like a giant doofy lizard. it is extremely cute. like my nightmare got sucked into a playstation timefreeze and lost creepiness as time went on. but somehow the nightmare itself still creeps me out.

lately i have been realizing how intensely dissociated i had been for most of my childhood/adolescence and i've lk been wondering if this affected my ability to form memories. internet suggests that memories are more likely to be third person the farther back they are. but i struggle with any real recall. and it kind of freaked me out when i noticed that much of what i thought was memory was actually a visual construction, either of like a home video or completely fictionalized based on what i 'know' about what happened intellectually. like my brain is full of unsolved mysteries re-enactments.

do people actually remember their lives? why are my memories from a week ago in third person and hazy and indistinct? why does the timeline not make sense? why are there large swathes of nothing in there. it is like a lot of wasteland.

i think the dissociation had/has to do with transness. i felt so acutely hyperaware of my body in space, like manually making every step with my legs for example, due to an unending hypervigilance. i (think i) felt like a poorly animated scarecrow. i feel like a lot of daily life was inaccessible to me because i couldn't turn off the flood of input. and my relationship to my body was one of shame, utter disgust, humiliation. even just existing in a space where i could be observed. because i was so "aware" of all of this and unable to tune it out, i never thought of this as dissociation, but i think it actually had the effect of like dampening and insulating.

my family didn't really notice, but i couldn't physically talk to people through middle school and early high school. i was never diagnosed, but i was basically 'selectively mute.' anyway, i think all of that stuff interrupted memory formation. i'm not like a braniac or anything of course, so maybe this is not correct and everyone struggles with this kind of recall? but i feel really disconnected from the past. like a replicant or something becoming aware their memories are fabricated. and it's rly unsettling.

um, i am going on too much & this has nothing to do with spawn? except, yeah, like. why do i have that memory of the violator so clearly. why is it stuck in there and why has it persisted when so much else has been slushed away?

i don't know! cute lizard violator goes a little ways towards dispelling that fear-memory, but also, its persistence alone tugs at my brain. always about to descend. i am vulnerable and helpless. is this like telling me something. do i even want to know. maybe it is literally nothing.

about the movie spawn though. obvi cgi hell rules. i love the massive jolt cola energy of everything. but honestly to be honest with you,,, i come away wanting more! more 90s xtremo energy, more chemical brothers nu metal tekno industrial fetish edginess and chain combat and demons and general weirdness. am i asking too much of spawn? yes probably. will any film ever live up to the nu metal platonic form that certainly dwells in our korn loving hearts? perhaps not. and yet, we yearn.

i don't think i ever saw spawn but it kind of feels like one of those memories i thought was a memory but actually is probably just something i constructed out of not memory.

(also i am sorry to john leguizamo but i did not enjoy the clown. i appreciate the effort! i will leave a 5 star rvw but not my steez?)

but since i gave it all up to become a bonehead dumbass i am rly into the himbo energy on display here. making like my own dumboplasm she-himbo shell body. i have taken some spawn goop to slather onto my nestmass. god i'm tired

and over having a brain

claire 👁️ liked these reviews