Southland Tales ★★★★

When I was a precocious little 18-year-old cinephile, I walked into the best video store in northwest Ohio and asked the guy behind the counter for a recommendation for a guy who likes David Lynch and David Cronenberg. He told me that I lot of people seemed to like this new movie, Donnie Darko. So I rented that, and I loved it, but it didn't take long for me to turn on it because it quickly became the "weird" movie that normal people quoted as their favorite weird movie because they'd never seen a really weird movie. It has some merit, but I moved on to more obscure pastures and my favor followed, and perhaps that makes me a dick. It wouldn't be the first thing. But it's a funny movie, with big ideas (even if they don't add up) and a unique spirit.

All of that is to say that my change of heart is why I've waited so long to watch this disasterpiece. But I've been doing myself wrong in waiting. Imagine the thinly-stretched logic of Donnie Darko, but add millions and millions of dollars and a huge cast of recognizable faces and 50-some script pages and make it about WWIII in a dystopian future. I'm writing this as if you haven't watched it, but you probably have because you're not a vindictive movie chump like me.

So basically, its audacity is awe-inspiring and its commitment is jaw-dropping. I have no idea how the fuck this happened, but it's a sight to behold. Like a California-sized taco filled with pop rocks and Hypnotiq, dipped in gold and wrapped in Christmas lights that spell out the word "PIMP"... there never was, and never again will be, anything quite like it.

Teen horniness is not a crime!