The Guest ★★★★

on december 25, 2012, dan stevens abruptly left DOWNTON ABBEY to move on with his career and pursue new projects, and for the past eight years i've held the biggest grudge against him for doing so. like, what has he even done since then? he made an appearance in the third NIGHT OF THE MUSEUM? interesting choice. he starred as the beast in the live action BEAUTY AND THE BEAST? oof. he had a voice role in the recent ghibli flop EARWIG AND THE WITCH? yikes! something tells me that mr stevens should've just continued taking those DOWNTON ABBEY checks for a few more years.

i've wanted to watch THE GUEST for ages just so i can continue to clown dan stevens' questionable career choices, and i gotta say... this is not what i thought it would be. i figured i'd have a fun but probably forgettable bad-good movie experience, but what i've just gone through... what mr stevens just put me through... transcends all description. THE GUEST is so odd, so nonsensical, so silly, so completely over the top, and i loved it so so so much.

like, forget matthew crawley in DOWNTON ABBEY: perhaps this is the role that dan stevens was born to play. perhaps this is the role he should be best known for! yes i am only kind of doing a bit right now! this man just stares off into space for half the movie, plotting evil unhinged plans, and i have no choice but to thank him for his commitment to the bit. he had no reason to try this hard. he had to know this movie was going to be bad. but you know what, when he shot this only a year and half after filming DOWNTON ABBEY, i think our king mr stevens thought, "ah... fuck it. why not." he then proceeded to give us the most chilling, most ridiculous, most unintentionally comedic performance he could possibly give.

and don't get me started on the various other creative choices of this film. the writing? oh, it's rough. the script is not good. let's be clear: THE MOVIE IS NOT GOOD. i need you all to understand that. but is it a masterpiece? of course it is. as i was saying, the script is hot garbage but it's one of THE GUEST's best assets. the soundtrack and the score are both excellent, and i laughed at several score cues during the movie. ominous music played during the most perfect and silliest moments and i was so grateful for that. and the lighting choices... beautiful. breathtaking. dan stevens's eyes have never been bluer, and his face has never been more terrifying. honestly i don't even know why he's continued making movies after THE GUEST. surely this was and is the peak of his career.

when the global panini is over and it's safe to hang out with everybody you know again, i want all of you to gather with your friends and watch THE GUEST together. please. make a night of it. i had so much fun watching this alone and i wasn't even watching it on a big screen. rookie mistake on my part. this is one of the best bad-good movies i've ever seen and i'd recommend it to anyone. i am not the same person i was two hours ago. thank you for your time.

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