Army of the Dead

Army of the Dead ★★

Wholly unoriginal and just a total fucking mess top to bottom.

If it weren’t for the gore and the violence, I probably wouldn’t have paid attention at all. Contrivance is pervasive and the plot has more holes than the entire horde of zombie heads. The plot is as follows: 
Act 1) The Walking Dead
Act 2) Ocean’s 11
Act 3) Aliens
...that’s it. That’s your movie.

It’s crazy to me that a character can be completely digitally added to a movie in post and that’s nowhere near the most jarring thing about it. The big “twist” (don’t worry. I didn’t spoil anything since everyone both in the theater and even some in the movie itself see this coming immediately) is completely unnecessary and adds absolutely nothing aside from a four minute detour to a movie that’s already way too long as it is.

Another of my myriad issues is just that some stuff that could be interesting goes completely unexplained. Again, the following seems like it’d be a spoiler, but it isn’t because it’s not brought up at all. WHY ARE THERE ROBOT ZOMBIES? I counted two terminator faces when they had their heads blown off. Nobody ever addresses it. Before anyone says they’re saving it for the series, I counter with fuck that Animatrix bullshit, focus on the world you’ve built and not the one you hope for. That’s how you get a Terrance Howard “Next time, baby.”

I will say though, the violence and gore is pretty fun. I’m adding one whole star for that alone. There’s so many instances of violence being way, way over the top that it’s actually hilarious. In the opening scene a car crashes into something and causes a bigger explosion than had it been a gasoline truck. It was basically a Naked Gun gag. Top notch.

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