The Lion King

The Lion King ½

Get Out but instead of a black guy trying to get away from scary white people it’s Donald Glover trying to get away from Disney execs who force him to be in shitty movies that shouldn’t exist.

Edit: Now that I think about it there isn’t a difference.

Another edit: This is the first movie that I’ve walked out of since MARCH OF THE FUCKING PENGUINS when I was 5 years old. Yes, the CGI is realistic, but that doesn’t make up for how boring and emotionless this heap of shit is. It looks like Planet Earth except for one difference: it’s really fucking awful. I am the BIGGEST DONALD GLOVER FAN on this god-forsaken planet and I STILL walked out before I heard him sing anything more than Hakuna Matata. There is absolutely no reason for this to exist, as NOTHING NEW OR INTERESTING is added to make this film unique. Luckily, when the film isn’t trying to be a shot-for-shot remake of the original, we get a MINUTE-LONG CLIP OF A FUCKING MOUSE RUNNING AROUND ON SOME ROCKS because that’s exactly what I wanted, Happy Hogan... I wanted to see a REAL MOUSE running around aimlessly for an entire minute.

It’s really disappointing (but not surprising) that more care wasn’t put into this. I actually enjoyed Favreau’s Jungle Book remake so I tried to go into this with an open mind, but somehow this was even worse than I expected it to be. Sadly, this will make $700 million and maybe even a billion at the box office and all the dumbass midwestern soccer moms will be like AWW THAT WAS ADORABLE!! I’M SO GLAD THEY REMADE THE LION KING BUT IT’S A SHAME THAT THEY COULDN’T GET MADGE SINCLAIR TO REPRISE HER ROLE AS SARABI. Well Madge Sinclair is DEAD, Sharon, okay? She’s dead. So stop complaining.... get up... walk out of the theater... and take your toddler to see Stuber instead. It’s a movie about a guy named Stu who drives an Uber.

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