The Fugitive ★★★★★

Objectively, there's only one good movie, and it's The Fugitive. The Fugitive is the best movie because it has the best lines and is never scary, only interesting and exciting. We didn’t need any more movies after The Fugitive. We didn’t need any movies before it either. We should erase those. The Fugitive is the only good movie.

I wanted to call my new book The Fugitive Is the Only Good Movie but my publisher wouldn’t let me, probably because they’re deep in the pocket of Big Gump. Undeterred, I rated every movie in said book on a scale of zero to ten DVDs of The Fugitive. I rate The Fugitive 13 out of ten DVDs of The Fugitive. All other movies should quit. Case closed. GAVEL.

(This review is excerpted from my new book Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema, available October 2020, and used with permission from the publisher. You should preorder it!)