• Twilight

    Twilight

    ★★★

    One thing you can say about Twilight is that it is not boring. There are a billion characters, they’re always saying some crazy shit, and they’re SO HORNY! It took me out of my body in a way that did not give me pleasure but did give me fascination, and when it was over I couldn’t believe it but I felt compelled to watch the next one.

    Twilight kept me awake, which honestly is more than I can say for…

  • The Santa Clause

    The Santa Clause

    ★★

    It's not the most important Christmas movie, nor the best Christmas movie, nor really a beloved Christmas movie, but it is, technically, a movie.

    (This review is excerpted from my new book Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema, available October 2020, and used with permission from the publisher. I think you should preorder it!)

  • Titanic

    Titanic

    ★½

    I think we're supposed to admire Kate Winslet for having terrific moxie or something, but really all she does is yell about how no one can tell her what to do and then just does whatever Leonardo DiCaprio tells her to do. (Sometimes he tells her things like this: "You're so stupid! Why did you do that? You're so stupid, Rose!!!" and "SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH.") Watching Titanic for the third time for the purposes of my book, I could not wait to get to…

  • Top Gun

    Top Gun

    ★★½

    Controversial yet objectively factual opinion: Maverick is the villain of Top Gun. We’re clearly supposed to resent Iceman for trying to stifle Maverick's unbelievably bitching bad-boy flying skills in the name of "SAFETY" and "REGARD FOR OTHERS" (boooooo!), but you know what? Maverick is a desperate, narcissistic, posturing, alienating, twerpy little prince with a monomaniacal fixation on personal glory at the expense of the safety of everyone around him, and FURTHERMORE, Iceman literally only says valid, responsible things the entire…

  • Back to the Future Part II

    Back to the Future Part II

    ★★½

    We open in 1985. Marty McFly, having just returned from going back to the future once, is just about to tongue face with Elisabeth Shue when VROOOOOOOM, HERE COMES DOC BROWN WEARING PHYLLIS NEFLER'S FOURTH-BEST SILKEN BED CLOAK.

    "BLRRBLRRBRRBRRRRRBRBBBBBBRRR!" Doc explains, "MARTY! YOU GOTTA COME BACK WITH ME!"

    "Where?"

    "Back...to the FUTUBLLRRRRBRBRBRBRBRRRR!!"

    The plot of this movie is that Marty has to drive to the year 2015 to stop his horrible toilet children from going to prison and ruining everything.…

  • Face/Off

    Face/Off

    ★★★

    They took their faces…off, AND THEY FACE OFF. DO YOU GET IT. You know this pun was the entire pitch!

    Also, there is no other movie where they do less to explain the science.

    (This review is excerpted from my new book Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema, available October 2020, and used with permission from the publisher. You should preorder it!)

  • Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

    Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

    ★★★

    My best friend and I have a decades-long text thread where we send each other new Harry Potter plotholes we discover (or forget and then remember again) and then become magnificent with rage over each one. And we discover new ones literally every day! If you could run a light bulb on Harry Potter plotholes, we could solve the climate crisis because Harry Potter plotholes are AN INEXHAUSTIBLE RESOURCE.

    For starters, I know that “Dumbledore trusts him” and I get…

  • The Notebook

    The Notebook

    ★½

    This is a movie about men-Red-Rovering-through-women's-boundaries-like-Ram-Man-but-horny, made for women, by a man.

    Thanks, men.

    (This review is excerpted from my new book Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema, available October 2020, and used with permission from the publisher. You should preorder it!)

  • Forrest Gump

    Forrest Gump

    ★★½

    I can't help feeling like Forrest Gump was AGGRESSIVELY failed by the system. Like, he’s no brainiac, but if he can follow the rules of ping-pong to the letter, he's capable of understanding basic concepts! But instead, apparently everyone just tapped out hard on Forrest's education, like, "Oh, he's a little slow. Let's NEVER TELL HIM ANYTHING." Respectfully, maybe the issue here isn't that Forrest is a bumbling simpleton, it's that he's spent his whole life being lied to by…

  • Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

    Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

    ★½

    I cannot fucking imagine the look on my face if my husband came to me and said, "Honey…"

    "Yeah?"

    "Honey."

    "What is it?"

    "Honey, I have something to tell you."

    "Just tell me!"

    "Honey…I shrunk the kids."

    You did what???? YOU DID FUCKING WHAT!?!?!?!?!???!??

    Imagine the years of frustration. Imagine how much Diane's already had to forgive to stay in this marriage. I’m sure they fought once in a while: WHY DO WE EVEN NEED A SHRINK RAY, WAYNE? Seriously,…

  • Love Actually

    Love Actually

    ½

    I can’t believe Laura Linney showed her boobs for this.

    (This review is excerpted from my new book Shit, Actually: The Definitive, 100% Objective Guide to Modern Cinema, available October 2020, and used with permission from the publisher. You should preorder it!)

  • The Fugitive

    The Fugitive

    ★★★★★

    Objectively, there's only one good movie, and it's The Fugitive. The Fugitive is the best movie because it has the best lines and is never scary, only interesting and exciting. We didn’t need any more movies after The Fugitive. We didn’t need any movies before it either. We should erase those. The Fugitive is the only good movie.

    I wanted to call my new book The Fugitive Is the Only Good Movie but my publisher wouldn’t let me, probably because…