*HUGE FART NOISE*
HEY KIDS,  You like BRANDED CONTENT right?? You’re gonna love this 2 hour toy commercial, complete with none of the important and meaningful source material! What’s that? YEAH

GET READY  to cringe as lines of dialogue WASH OVER YOU with the emotional weight of a Disney channel original movie. 

ENJOY the several actually really good action sequences and fun moments, because they’re all you’re gonna get as you filter through fan fiction.

I really wanted to like this movie, but I quickly found that stories about rich nihilistic kids aren’t relateable or important. You could kind of hear the director saying “isn’t this so rad and cool” the whole time. Tight shots tho

NOT ENOUGH SPOOKY GHOSTS too many close ups of nails. Helen Mirren really needed the boat money because oops! Also buy a real house for the establishing shot of the MAIN TITLE MANSION. Shit looked like a sims.

DIRECTOR: “what if the x men had wings, and also we hired an acting level 1 class from middle America AND ALSO THEY ALL HAVE SLEEVELESS TEES-“

JENNA MARBLES: “you had me at ‘what if’.”