• Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

    Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

    The banana joke is still the funniest bit of the 21st century but it’s still Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 god damnit

  • The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

    The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

    ★★★★

    One of the most beautifully animated films ever made, and more than worth the watch just for that aspect. Expressive, stylish and just masterful in every facet. Adorable character design and talented voice work also work with the lovely animation to form a genuinely very sweet and emotional rendition of a classic folk tale.

  • Spider-Man

    Spider-Man

    ★★★★½

    Dafoe came to serve cunt and chew scenery… and he’s all out of cunt.

  • Eternals

    Eternals

    ★★

    In search of meaning and the souls of its characters, The Eternals entirely forgets to have a soul of its own. Bereft of personality, this two and a half hour attempt at introspection into free will from the perspective of gods comes across as a dry and sometimes incoherent lecture. Hopping between two extremes of ambiguity and painstaking explanation, Eternals sadly offers nothing creative into an already stale universe. 

    It really does baffle me that out of this whole cast, only 3 have personalities. None of them are leads.

  • Eternals

    Eternals

    Rip bozo

  • Carnival of Souls

    Carnival of Souls

    ★★★½

    Carnival of Souls walked so Fire Walk With Me could run.

  • Noroi: The Curse

    Noroi: The Curse

    ★★★★½

    One of the things that very, very few found-footage projects are able to get right in the post-Blair Witch era is the feeling of verisimilitude. The idea of going to the theater or a streaming service to watch something horrific that’s supposedly real in the way it’s presented is inherently stretching the boundaries of belief. If you showed me Noroi: The Curse on YouTube or something, though, I would believe it 100%. Everything from the atmosphere, the editing, the way…

  • Dune

    Dune

    ★★★★½

    Introspective, truly humanistic cinema balanced out with immense, cinematic spectacle. Probably the best adaptation of this beast possible. Earth-shattering and done with such reverence for the things that make Dune truly work, Villenueve orchestrates a space opera that feels like it both deserves its epic scale and deeply personal examination of the idea of heroism and the messianic complex. Shai-Hulud sized banger, baby!

  • Titane

    Titane

    ★★★★½

    Love doesn’t burn.

  • The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

    The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

    ★★★★★

    I could tear up some beef brisket rn and I feel no shame for it

  • Halloween

    Halloween

    ★★★½

    Thank god I didn’t see this in theaters, otherwise I woulda caused a ruckus throwing it back to that Carpenter score.

  • Halloween II

    Halloween II

    Vapid, soulless, a better fit for a dismal Texas Chainsaw sequel with how it guts some interesting concepts and wears the skin on its face. In the context of itself, it’s a messy and childish “examination” of trauma and brutality that falls apart more when reviewed in the context of Zombie’s other films wherein the violence is clearly in service to nothing but the grindhouse mandate of slaughter. The one thing I can’t fault it on is it being so uniquely its own that it stands apart from everything else in its field; this Frankenstein of airheaded ideas and viscera is unmistakably Zombie’s.