Black Christmas

Black Christmas ★½

Oh my word. The most egregious thing about Black Christmas 2019 is that for its first half or so, it's actually quite good. I was forty minutes into this and thinking "What the fuck was up everyone's nose with this movie? It's fine!"

But it's not. At the end of the second act the expected killer-in-the-house scenario comes into play - a little earlier than expected, and with a slight twist, at which point I was intrigued as to what we were going to get in the final act.

Utter shit, as it turns out. Not only is it a bad final act, it ruins everything that happened up to that point. It's not just that it's bonkers and nonsensical - that I could forgive. Hell, I might even celebrate that. The problem is that, specifics of the mystery resolution aside, it presents absolutely no twist as to who the villains of the piece are. It's just exactly who you thought it was, except assumed it wouldn't be because that would be way too cheap and boring for anyone to expect to get away with.

But the thing that really fucked me off about this movie was its pandering to the no-platforming, woke preciousness of the current generation of snot-nosed, over-privileged college kids teeming like a noxious growth throughout the educational institutions of the western world. Furthermore, it thinks it's a #metoo anthem about girls standing up to male misogyny and patriarchal nepotism. That might work if the patriarchy was as obvious as a bunch of unabashed rapists walking around murdering women with bows and arrows, but as it happens, it's a little more subtle than that in real life.

What did you say? It's a metaphor? No, actually, it thinks it's a metaphor but it is in fact a pile of shit.

Oh, and that scene where Imogen Poots sends her boyfriend in to act as a "diversion" actually represents her knowingly sending this innocent guy to his probable death. What the actual fuck.

Yeah, this is a mess. Yuck.

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