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  • The Lighthouse

    The Lighthouse

    I want to murder a lighthouse wickie
    And bury him next to me
    I want to slaughter a lighthouse wickie
    Right by the side of the sea
    He'll polish his knob with a cry of glee
    A scrimshaw mermaid on his knee
    I want to butcher a lighthouse wickie
    Won't that be okay?

    We'll find a head in the old cistern
    Drink turpentine by the shore
    We'll invite the mighty Kraken in
    And one-eyed seagulls by the score

    I dream…

  • Battlefield Earth

    Battlefield Earth

    ½

    ♫...Hey kids let's go clear together
    Dianetics taught us techniques that will wipe our minds forever.
    We'll kill some Body Thetans tonight so stick around
    You're gonna see H-bombs blow volcanos right off the ground

    Say Johnny and L. Ronnie have you seen him yet?
    Oh, but he's so spaced out
    Xe-Xe-Xe-Xenu and the Clams
    Oh, but he's weird and he's horrible
    Oh, Xenu he's really mean
    He's got e-metered boots
    Wears a pressure suit
    You know I read it…

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  • The Adventures of Barry McKenzie

    The Adventures of Barry McKenzie

    Crikey! This pair of Budgie Smugglers is so tight they pushed me Jatz Crackers up to the top o' me noggin. Complete ball dust!

    ...and as me Auntie Edna Everidge would say, I meant that in the kindest, most loving, and nurturing way possible.

  • Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

    Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World

    ★★★★★

    This never fails to fulfill my minimum daily requirement of sea shanties, 18th-century naturalism, male bonding, primitive brain surgery, excessive port drinking, vile-looking English puddings, Jonah curses, floggings, violin/cello duets, and the hearty kicking of Napoleon's bony little ass.

    A triumphantly adult entertainment in every respect. Thank you, Messrs. Crowe and Weir. May we please have another?

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  • Harold and Maude

    Harold and Maude

    ★★½

    I get why this film resonates so much with a specific demographic of nostalgic old hippies, and aging baby-boomers who feel creatively stifled by their careers, but its central message of tuning in, turning on, and dropping out was a tad outdated even when it was originally released, and it certainly hasn't aged like a fine wine since.

    But what really chaps my ass are the 1-dimensional strawmen authority figures that director Hal Ashby sets up as Harold's obstacles on…

  • The Brain That Wouldn't Die

    The Brain That Wouldn't Die

    ★★★

    [morrissey]
    ♪ Girlfriend with no body
    I know, I know
    It's serious ♪
    [/morrissey]