• Morgan

    Morgan

    ★½

    "Everyone loves lasagna, right?"

    The most emotional, hard-hitting question in this whole movie about the nature of humanity is about how well an artificial human can make risotto compared to a person.

    1.5/5 stars

  • Little Joe

    Little Joe

    ★★

    "Several things have happened recently that have disturbed me quite a lot"

    A 106-minute rant on why anti-depressants are vaguely "bad" that's still barely capable of formulating a response to the inevitable "but why?".

    At the best of times, it seems like what might happen if you asked a lobotomized Yorgos Lanthimos to construct a spooky plant movie entirely off stale riffs on Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.

    Granted, it isn't bad per see, it's certainly above average in the…

  • Promising Young Woman

    Promising Young Woman

    ★★★★½

    “What would you have me do? Ruin a young man’s life?”

    As much as I do appreciate the attention this is getting from genre news sites, I do worry some people are going to go into this expecting a horror movie, which it most definitely is not.

    Promising Young Woman’s best trait is how well it walks that tightrope of good taste. It's super easy to imagine a version of this same premise screwing up ending up, at best, insincere…

  • Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

    Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

    ★★★½

    "It's not who you come with, it's who takes you home"

    Prom Night (1980) crawled so Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II could run.

    Light 3.5/5 stars

  • Food of the Gods II

    Food of the Gods II

    ★★★½

    "That was the loch ness monster of rats!"

    Slow going compared to the original at first, but if you can make it past the first 30 minutes, it's a pretty good sequel. For better or worse, it doubles down on everything from the original (more giant rats, more runtime, more gory kills, more talking) mostly successfully. I do wish it was a tad more consistently weird though.

    My suggestion: if you're going to watch this, watch it either stoned, drunk, or with friends.

    Very light 3.5/5 stars

  • The Food of the Gods

    The Food of the Gods

    ★★★

    "Where'd the hell you get those goddamn chickens?"

    A movie this cheesy has no right having more texture and personality than 95% of acclaimed modern horror.

    3/5 stars

  • Prospect

    Prospect

    ★★

    Netflix: hey do you watch an okay sci-fi western movie

    Me: not really no

    Netflix: it has Pedro Pascal in it

    Me: Okay, sounds great!

    2/5 stars

  • Golden Boy

    Golden Boy

    ★★★★

    “Today’s lesson: the human head cannot turn 360 degrees”

    True character development is Kintarou Ooe starting an episode just using animation to draw a woman’s breast and ending it realizing the intrinsic value of animation as an art form.

    Light 4/5 stars

  • Pandora's Clock

    Pandora's Clock

    ★★½

    Pretty basic thriller stuff 99.9% of the runtime, but that ending is such a mean-spirited and cruel 180 from the previous tone in all the right ways that it ups my score considerably.

    Light 2.5/5 stars

  • Cemetery Man

    Cemetery Man

    ★★

    It's trying to do a lot at once: half of it works and the other half doesn’t.

    The only consistently enjoyable part was when it goes full gore horror mode, which is surprisingly little all things considered. Cemetery Man is certainly periodically strange but nearly every time I started to get into it, something else pulled me right out.

    Not really a fan of the love story angle this took either: as a gay guy, boring straight romances lacking in…

  • Creatures from the Abyss

    Creatures from the Abyss

    ★★★½

    "What is that stuff? What kind of animals are these?"
    "They're horny ones!"

    Even though he only ever directed four horror movies, I feel fairly confident calling Al Passeri one of the unique bad movie makers I've stumbled across in a long time.

    The first thirty minutes had me a little worried that this would be more conventional than his other films, but luckily by the time a woman is vomiting up slugs, we're firmly in crazy-town and there's no going back.

    Clocks talk, fish monsters fuck. AI-controlled showers are incredibly horny. Why not? It's Al Passeri's world, we're just living in it.

    3.5/5 stars

  • The Wax Mask

    The Wax Mask

    ★★★★

    This movie is so wild and has so many famous horror directors attached (Argento, Fulci), all shot by Sergio Salvati, who also shot The Beyond and Zombi that I'm honestly baffled it's as forgotten as it is.

    Light 4/5 stars