• Grosse Pointe Blank

    Grosse Pointe Blank

    ★★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    This is the best movie ever because Dan Aykroyd gets smashed over the head with a television and dies

  • My Girl

    My Girl

    ★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Macauley Culkin plays a boy who gets stung to death by bees. I’m no scientist, but I believe that if doctors had pumped his corpse full of Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Head Vodka, he would’ve come back to life.

  • GoldenEye

    GoldenEye

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    At one point, turncoat spy Alec Trevelyan says to James Bond, “I might as well ask if all those vodka martinis silence the screams of all the men you've killed?” Bond’s answer would surely be a resounding “YES” if he was drinking Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Head Vodka!

  • Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

    Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

    I assumed from the title that this film would be about Indiana Jones searching for a bottle of Crystal Head vodka, the naturally smooth vodka brand created by actor, musician, and comedian Dan Aykroyd and presented in a distinctive Crystal Skull bottle designed by John Alexander and manufactured by Milan-based glass-manufacturer Bruni Glass. Sadly, I was mistaken. It's a shame, because after surviving a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge, Indiana Jones could surely use a sip of one…

  • Air Bud

    Air Bud

    Admittedly, I haven’t read the rulebook, but I’m pretty sure there’s a rule that says a dog can’t play basketball. And if not, there should be!!

  • The Godfather

    The Godfather

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I don’t know why this movie is called The Goodfather. He isn’t a good father at all - all his children ended up as criminals!!!

  • 8 Mile

    8 Mile

    A shockingly irresponsible film. In the opening scenes, Eminem is clearly suffering from acute spaghetti poisoning, yet still performs in a rap battle. In real life, he would die. Spaghetti poisoning is fatal in 100% of cases if not treated within five hours. Dozens of spaghetti deaths can be attributed to the misinformation spread by this film. The producers (and Eminem himself) are lucky not to have been charged with criminal negligence.

  • Dunston Checks In

    Dunston Checks In

    I’ve heard some refer to this as Martin Scorsese’s forgotten masterpiece. It’s hard to see why. Scorsese is on autopilot here with a by-the-numbers portrayal of toxic masculinity. At his best, Scorsese uses the damaged men in his stories as a lens through which to examine larger themes of social alienation and the corrosive effects of unfettered capitalism. But here, Marty is content to wallow in Dunston’s depravity. The ape’s bad behaviour offers cheap thrills and little else.

  • Jaws

    Jaws

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The first rule of filmmaking is that every film needs a relatable protagonist. On that score, ‘Jaws’ is a dismal failure. The hero of the film (the titular Jaws) lives underwater (!), breathes by inhaling seawater through his gills (!!), and is ultimately blown up by a scuba tank (!!!). This is so far removed from my own lived experience that I simply found it impossible to connect with the character. If director Steven Spielberg thinks that Jaws’s behaviour is normal, he should spend less time in Hollywood and more time in the real world!