• The Beatles: Get Back

    The Beatles: Get Back

    ★★½

    I’ll never get back those 7 hours and 45 minutes. It takes less time to watch all of The Irishman twice. It takes less time to drive from my home in the Twin Cities to Winnipeg, Canada. It takes less time to fully cook two consecutive turkeys. Yet, it’s still less time than a full day of work, which is kind of ironic since it takes so much work to watch this.

    There’s no such thing as a bad Beatles…

  • Lost Boys: The Tribe

    Lost Boys: The Tribe

    It’s almost impressive how they took everything great about the first one and just turned it all into shit.

    - The fun atmosphere of Santa Cruz/Carla is replaced by some boring ass place in Canada. 

    - The great family dynamic with the wacky, pothead grandpa and his newly single daughter/cool as fuck grandkids is gone. A story about two dumb kids with a butthole of an aunt remains.

    - Corey Feldman. 

    - Surfing. Why is everyone obsessed with surfing, skateboarding,…

  • Light It Up

    Light It Up

    ★★★½

    The song Lick it Up by Kiss is about licking up jizz. I never thought any form of art could ever top such a brilliant expression of creativity and beauty. I was wrong. The film Light it Up is about jizzing on everything and that’s even better.

  • Street Fighter

    Street Fighter

    ★★★½

    This is like The Wizard of Oz for me. It’s a colorful, beautiful, enigma of a film that could never be imitated. It’s as if they cut out the scene of the tornado carrying the audience away to this magical world. A world where an American with the thickest Belgium accent ever leads a weird army of misfits to stand up against genocidal corruption and attempted world domination. A world where this man, this decorated and distinguished colonel, must seek…

  • Six Days Seven Nights

    Six Days Seven Nights

    ★★½

    Angelica goes from sleeping with Harrison Ford to sleeping with David Schwimmer. I feel sorry for her vagina. That’s like having dinner at a five star restaurant and then having David Schwimmer for dinner. 

    Why the fuck wasn’t Chewbacca in this?!?

  • A Merry Friggin' Christmas

    A Merry Friggin' Christmas

    ★★★

    There are too many funny people in this movie for it not to be funny and enjoyable. The subtlety of Tim Heidecker’s insanity combined with the beauty and delivery of Wendi McLendon-Covey is fucking golden. Obviously, Robin Williams only adds to this fun madness and Joel McHale is there.

  • Home Sweet Home Alone

    Home Sweet Home Alone

    ★★½

    When you’re expecting nothing, anything is okay. This is not quite something, but it is anything and that’s better than nothing. 

    The cameo from Buzz was alright and I didn’t hate the chubby British boy as much as I thought I would. Ellie Kemper is still great and they didn’t waste a second of dialogue on Pete Holmes/etc. It still could’ve used some French Stewart, though.

  • Kazaam

    Kazaam

    I didn’t realize this would focus so much on torture, child abandonment, and raining candy. I thought it’d just be Shaq being Shaq. It is that, plus that other stuff, and, it’s super nineties. That’s a recipe for success. I came for Shaquille O'Neal, I stood up and applauded for the father/stepfather/son dynamic.

    “The power is in your heart,” - Kazaam.

  • Batman & Robin

    Batman & Robin

    ★★★★

    The people who shit on this movie are as cold as ice. It’s as if they are all suffering from a brain freeze. Negative reviews from (snow) flaky people of this masterpiece are chilling to me. I mean, what kind of a cold blooded fool would hate on a film this cool? It has everything you’d want in a movie unless if you’re still shivering in the ice age of entertainment. 

    My mind is so ruined from watching so much…

  • Saving Christmas

    Saving Christmas

    ½

    Ernest already saved Christmas and he actually existed. All this movie does is finally confirm that Kirk Cameron isn’t good at parties. He should’ve went out to that car and offered Christian a joint, not lecture him about Jesus. Kirk Cameron is an old lady trapped in a wrinkly child’s body. Ernest was a wrinkly man who sometimes dressed up as an old lady. Goddamn, this thing could’ve used some Ernest.

  • What's Eating Gilbert Grape

    What's Eating Gilbert Grape

    ★★★★

    As a child, I immaturely laughed at and enjoyed this film for all the wrong reasons.

    As a young man, my vhs copy from the library kept me company through many sleepless nights due to its calming effect and serene nature.

    As an old man, I laugh and enjoy this for all the right reasons (I think).

  • Steel

    Steel

    ★★★½

    The scene where the girl falls out of her wheelchair and Shaq silently stops the old guy from helping her because Shaq knows that this girl can do it on her own is not only one of my favorite scenes ever put on film, but it’s also one of the most important. I watched Steel so I could have a good time while making fun of its absurdity. Instead, I’m reveling in it’s beautiful glory. This inspiring scene more than…