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  • Sully

    Sully

    ★★★★½

    ♫ This is the Captain, brace that ass for impact.
    Don't doubt, motherfucker, ain't in the abstract.
    Bird strikin' tiddies, with bitches that is stacked.
    Black box, listen close, make your balls retract. ♫

    ♫ Ain't no crash, perfect forced water landing.
    Back the fuck off, 'fore I piss where you standing.
    I'm fucking filthy, just got the right branding.
    Ride on my mustache, that pussy commanding. ♫

    ♫ Can't sully this Sully, King of the Controls.
    Going ballistic, laying pipe 'round the poles,
    She start chanting, while I'm filling her holes:
    He did it, one hundred and fifty-five souls. ♫

  • Children of the Corn

    Children of the Corn

    ★★½

    ♫ The sins of modernity done made your ass weak
    Tremblin' before me as I'm spreadin' some cheek
    My crew's long knives stab-stabbin' your papa
    While I'm bangin' in the rows with girls that guapa ♫

    ♫ Got my suit and my tie and my round ass hat
    My creepy stare'll smoke ya as sure as a gat
    Y'all little bitches gonna end up in graves
    Cuz Isaac'll kill ya with the power of maize ♫

    ♫ Zapping puny brains…

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  • Fast & Furious

    Fast & Furious

    ★★

    INT. POLICE STATION LINE-UP ROOM - DAY

    JORDAN ANDERSON, head wrapped and moving on crutches, enters the observation room, escorted by a DETECTIVE. The line-up room beyond is dark and empty.

    The DETECTIVE presses an intercom button on the wall.

    DETECTIVE
    Alright, bring 'em in.

    The lights in the line-up room snap on and the cast of Fast & Furious (2009) enter single-file. They stop and turn.

    DETECTIVE
    Okay, Mr. Anderson. Just tell me if any of these people were there…

  • Vacancy

    Vacancy

    ★★

    Apparently Luke Wilson left his acting ability at Wes Anderson's house and Kate Beckinsale's was stored in her original nose.

    Otherwise, a semi-competent Murdered by Yokels entry, infrequently invigorated by Frank Whaley hauling ass straight towards Ham Town.

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  • Cool World

    Cool World

    Who Fucked Roger Rabbit?

  • Twilight Zone: The Movie

    Twilight Zone: The Movie

    ½

    These motherfuckers literally had a meeting where they decided that it was more fiscally expedient to release a movie that edited around the death of a man and two children instead of dropping a single segment of an anthology film.

    There isn't a work of art in the history of humanity that is worth more than a human life, let alone a cynical corporate product.

    Fuck this and fuck them.