Robo has written 33 reviews for films rated ½ .

  • Sucker Punch

    Sucker Punch

    “Of course I can write female characters.”
    - Zack Snyder before he demonstrated that he could not.

  • Transformers: Age of Extinction

    Transformers: Age of Extinction

    I could sing in Mandarin
    You’d still know I’m panderin’
    Hunting deer, chasing trout
    A Bud Light with the logo facing out

    The list of deranged issues this thing has is bigger than those random Dinobots, but the single worst thing beyond the representation of the Great, Glorious, Correct People’s Republic of China, is the fact that a character has a laminated definition of the Texas “Romeo and Juliet Law” in their wallet. In not a single scenario is that…

  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon

    Transformers: Dark of the Moon

    I don’t begrudge character actors that take a paycheck to be in a really popular franchise film, that’s just the hustle - but I do wonder what the point of Malkovich’s character was. 

    I’ve said this before, but these films really are the encapsulation of Bay as an auteur. Early in his career with Bad Boys and The Rock, you can see the Tony Scott influence with added testosterone and less subtly, but at least you knew where Bay was…

  • San Andreas

    San Andreas

    I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry … but why why is Alexandra Daddario playing an 18 year old when she was 28 in real life?

    There’s about eight hundred other things I want to complain about, but somehow that one is the worst.

  • The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

    The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

    Fuck Rob Cohen. 

    1.) Just a gross dude who makes bad movies - and this one is a real masterpiece of shit

    2.) Arnold Vosloo and Oded Fehr decline to be in this movie cause the script sucks (they were correct) and then Weisz does the same thing but Cohen decides to tell people it’s because she didn’t want to be seen as a mother to a 21 year-old and she didn’t want to be away from her newborn - when she did two movies in that same year. Like, what an asshole.

  • Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

    Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

    It’s comical how lightning quick I checked out of this god damn thing.

  • We Summon the Darkness

    We Summon the Darkness

    You know, I might’ve given this more leeway if this was made by a 25 year old kid with his friends that used their dentist’s house for the set and they had a budget of $45. 

    Instead I’m just left wondering why Alexandra Daddario is 33 and playing somewhere between half her age and a decade younger. Why they thought this had to be set in the “80’s”, why the violence is so boring - literally three people within three…

  • Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

    Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

    Never a good sign when the second film finds it necessary to basically retcon the entire first movie, and then adds a bunch animated sequences to explain things you should already know. Then it also does the cliche second movie thing of having the hero get rid of his powers - and I mean it’s the second time we’re dealing the Devil and his progeny as the basis of a Ghost Rider movie, just seems pretty lazy and cheap - and it’s not like the first one was a hard bar to top.

  • The Life of David Gale

    The Life of David Gale

    It’s actually amazing how bad this is. They act like innocent people don’t get executed on death row (it happens, a bunch), in Texas of all god damn places, so there’s this whole fiction of how it could happen, just like a college professor could be accused of rape out of revenge, and then there’s a twist on twist and … just - it’s like a group of people got together and tried to think of ways to do a lot of harm…

  • Space Jam: A New Legacy

    Space Jam: A New Legacy

    Well, this 115 minute fever dream of mad-lib written corporate propaganda, does one thing well, and that’s to make the 1996 Space Jam look like it’s actually Citizen Kane.

    You could argue that Disney is too protective of its IP, but after this I don’t know how you argue that WB doesn’t actively hate its own IP. 

    Justice for the Toons.

  • Malcolm & Marie

    Malcolm & Marie

    If I know anything about women (which is debatable) Marie would’ve been in sweats and a t shirt before the Mac and Cheese was in the pot. What I’m saying is, these are not “real people” they are inauthentic caricatures written to be the mouthpiece of a lot of bad ideas from an inauthentic writer-director who’s using the actors and story as a shield against past justified criticism of his work. 

    Watching this just made me feel bad. Feel bad…

  • Chaos Walking

    Chaos Walking

    Honestly, this seems like a fever dream, and I’m not convinced it’s real.