Robo has written 39 reviews for films rated ★½ .

  • Once Were Brothers: Robbie Robertson and The Band

    Once Were Brothers: Robbie Robertson and The Band

    ★½

    I don’t know how you make a doc about The Band and make it boring, but they sure did.

    Just watch The Last Waltz. 

  • Saint Maud

    Saint Maud

    ★½

    What a brisk three hou… wait a second, 85 minutes?! With credits?!

  • The Guilty

    The Guilty

    ★½

    Just really lacks the pulse and the intimacy of the original film. The script is a basic carbon-copy with some American flair thrown on top that doesn’t do much, but all the visual confidence of the Danish film is absent here. It’s just two dark rooms, and a big tv screen showing a wildfire.

    If you were going to remake this and keep the basic script (shoutout to Nic Pizzolatto on the easiest paycheck in recent memory) you should at…

  • Transformers: The Last Knight

    Transformers: The Last Knight

    ★½

    Turns out the MVP of the entire franchise was Anthony Hopkins. 

    I really don’t know what to make of, or to say, about these movies, and this might be the most baffling of them all - in a way that’s kind of spectacular. 

    I’m trying to remember and make sense of what happens in this coffin-nail of Bay’s five film magnum opus to excess, and even as the credits roll, this 2 hour and 34 minute mix of Arthurian balderdash…

  • Transformers

    Transformers

    ★½

    Something that has bothered the shit out of me since 2007 was the 12 hour car chase. What’s the 12 hour car chase, you ask? 

    Well, Sam (Shia doing his best Will Smith impression) wakes up in the morning and sees that his self-driving robot-car has followed him home. He steals his mother’s pink bicycle and tries to out run a sentient car-bot. Eventually he’s confronted by an evil robot car (police issue, natch), which talks to him, he tackles…

  • Real Steel

    Real Steel

    ★½

    I’ve seen enough Battlebots to know that that the best fighting robot is a little Roomba guy that just flips you over.

    Also, the kid and the writing were very annoying, and every time a Hugh Jackman character says, “oh, I don’t dance”, I automatically check out.

  • Safe House

    Safe House

    ★½

    The Bored Identity

  • Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

    Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

    ★½

    Not good - but maybe we’re not looking at the bigger picture.

    Lucas always said the movies he made could work as silent films, (huge slap in the face to MVP Ben Burtt) Jar Jar was supposed to be a Buster Keaton figure, his edits and iconography were meant to affect our lizard-brains in a broad stroke sort of way. 

    Maybe JJ has finally achieved what Lucas never could - a Star Wars movie that would be more enjoyable with the sound off.

  • Solo: A Star Wars Story

    Solo: A Star Wars Story

    ★½

    Could’ve been good if no one in the movie was named Han Solo.

    I hope I never hear the word “coaxiom” ever again.

  • The Messengers

    The Messengers

    ★½

    Even though I think this is not a good movie, and actively bad most of its blessedly short runtime, I kinda got nostalgic while watching this. 

    The only reason this and so many other PG-13 horror movies got made during this period of time was for packs on teenagers to go to the movies without their parents, drink a gallon of sugar and caffeine, eat their weight in butter and salt and cause mayhem with every jump scare, ensuring a…

  • Daredevil

    Daredevil

    ★½

    As I was watching this I was trying to figure out where this movie fell in the cultural timeline of comic book movies and which ones could’ve influenced it - obviously Spider-Man and X-Men influenced its budget, and there are parts that feel like Batman Forever, and even Phantom… but then I just started to think that maybe the biggest influence on this film was just a bad director and screenwriter who has a very over-wrought “style” and misjudged everything from the…

  • The Rewrite

    The Rewrite

    ★½

    It’s a bold move to copy several beats from a previous movie of yours (the superior Music and Lyrics) but do them worse, and then name drop thirty or so better written films than the one the audience is watching.