• Underwater

    Underwater

    Underwater is an underwater Alien ripoff without a first act. No matter what cool visuals and bitchin' dialogue it tries to throw at you, the fact is that it quite literally begins with an explosion and catastrophe and goes from there, and no matter what happens I never cared about the "characters". There really isn't much more to it than that - except for some Lovecraftian level monsters and at times striking photography, pretty much completely pointless.

  • The Rescue

    The Rescue

    ★★★★

    This two hour documentary film is about the 2018 Thailand cave diving operation to rescue a young football team and their coach already trapped in a cave system for days as a monsoon threatened to drown them at any moment.

    Insightful with really great interviews and well made recreations. It's a little bit "lovey dovey" at times (surprised this hasn't already been adapted as a film), but still well worth watching. It was one hell of a gamble of a…

  • Swan Song

    Swan Song

    ★★★★★

    Exceptional. Really the best Parent Trap sequel I could've ever imagined (haw haw).

    Cameron Turner (Mahershala Ali) is a successful designer living in the not-too-distant future with his wife (Naomie Harris) and young son, with another child on the way. One day he realizes that he is fatally ill, but before he tells his wife or son, he begins to contemplate letting himself be cloned and have all his memories implanted - a perfect replica of himself - so that…

  • Pleasure

    Pleasure

    Swedish "Bella Cherry" moves to Los Angeles in the hopes of becoming a big porn star, but it's not all sunshine and roses.

    Thought this had potential but it's.. basic. That really is the perfect word to describe it: simple setups, a pretty passive main character, relies on montage and essentially summed up as "young woman sells soul and body to make it big in the porn world". I wish it had bigger aspirations, no pun intended, and sometimes it…

  • The Tragedy of Macbeth

    The Tragedy of Macbeth

    ★★★★½

    Hear ye, hear ye, feast thine eyes upon this.

    I've never been big on the Coens, but who could miss this? It's all over every decent self-respecting cinema circle, and worth your time at an economic 100 minutes of absolutely jawdropping visual splendor, equal parts Bergman and Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

    The actors are extraordinary, but you have to contend with the fact that they are delivering this casually - it takes a little while, but eventually I realized it's…

  • Black Panther

    Black Panther

    Yeah, no.

    Black Panther is to an African experience what Frozen is to a Scandinavian one.

    It's got all the Marvel hallmarks:

    • tech that is practically magic
    • characters that are killed or nearly killed and brought back without issues or delays
    • a bad guy who is a copy of the hero
    • a stretched out plot

    but this also adds:
    • literal Lion King ripoffs (the scarred relative throws the hero off a cliff to get the…

  • Thor: Ragnarok

    Thor: Ragnarok

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    What in the jelly doughnut was that

    You know.. expected to totally hate this one. Didn't. Not.. totally. Taika Waititi is a Marvel director making.. choices?! That feel almost.. directed? And standalone? Sort of? I may not love them all (humor is.. what the, waaaaaay too much CGI even in indoor sequences, and the simple plot is streeeeeetched out over 131-some minutes), but

    Cate Blanchett looking Hela fine (brain: am.. am I attracted to her now?)

    80's neon and synthwave…

  • Spider-Man: Homecoming

    Spider-Man: Homecoming

    This was my "last straw" movie for the MCU some five years ago. I walked away after watching this, and it's all flooding back to me now.

    I'll put it this way: in this version of Spider-Man, I doubt Uncle Ben was shot. He probably slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck, and Peter went "ouch, you old geezer! ah well, I'll miss the old fart!" and went back to his phone. And if that's not bad enough,…

  • Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

    Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The last MCU movie I saw in theaters, and the second to last one I've seen.

    This movie is two hours and seventeen minutes long and co-stars Kurt Russell and I only remembered the following:
    • it begins with a silly dance montage as they fight a monster
    • Kurt Russell is in it and plays Peter's dad
    • Yondu makes a Mary Poppins joke

    I'm not joking or exaggerating, that's everything I remembered. In a movie with Kurt fucking…

  • Doctor Strange

    Doctor Strange

    This was the second to last MCU movie I ever watched in a movie theater. I don't think it's awful but beyond some "Nolan on acid" visuals it still doesn't rise far above MCU standards.

    Strange is such a tremendous prick early on (I realize it's on purpose, but it makes it hard for us to want to go on the journey with him), the movie looks exceedingly drab until we enter the mystical world (again, on purpose I'm sure,…

  • Captain America: Civil War

    Captain America: Civil War

    This was the one that broke me out, that confirmed what I had only previously suspected: Marvel can do anything and people will eat it up. It's a two and a half hour long soap opera episode where characters punch one another, disguised as some sort of European thriller to hide the fact that it has no character arcs, no meaningful plot events and no lasting consequences.

    I saw this in a movie theater with friends right after we attended…

  • Ant-Man

    Ant-Man

    You know what? This one is not all that bad.

    It does a lot I've been wanting to see: greater emphasis on characters and their family/close ones, it's not too long, the CGI is well used to tell the plot and not just a plastic punchfest (the bigger sized screen you have the better), and there isn't even really a villain to punch until the very end anyway.

    The characters are still pretty silly and some of the humor is...eh…