Minions ★★

The only reason, I repeat, the only reason this is getting as high as a 2 is because it's hands down the most luciously detailed Illumination movie I've ever seen. My respect goes out to all the massively talented crew that cobbled this skidmark together. Hopefully they were able to have fun with it, because I sure didn't.

I think I've finally figured out the origin of the Minions. They're mutated Twinkies that Just. Won't. Expire. No matter how hard we try to rid them from the universe, they come back and grow 100 feet tall.

Another revelation I had witnessing this brainless epidemic was the fact that, out of habit, I enabled subtitles (which I do for every movie I watch, in case it's quiet, or hard to understand, etc). I realized adding subtitles to a bunch of hyperactive beans was equivalent to asking your new born baby to file your taxes. Neither party understands what is happening.

Take this review as a reminder that life is fleeting, ladies and gentlemen. This may not be the worst movie out there, but money and time were spent, when both could have gone to better goals. I suggest you do the same, my friends.

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