• The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

    The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    A sequel made simply for the demand of it, that manages to have a couple moments where it recaptures whatever spark the original had, but is hampered by a retcon of their introduction into a finale, 8 years of radio silence, some horrible soundtrack decisions, a femme fatale with big heels to fill against Dafoe, a cavalcade of villains who can't decide when they wanna be threats or jesters, an extremely self-serving dream sequence, and a backstory that makes no…

  • The Boondock Saints

    The Boondock Saints

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    A proper action movie that rides the line between spectacle and melodrama like a clown rides a unicycle across the tightrope. Conner and Murphy are a very well performed set of twins, obviously not the same character but with enough overlap to not matter who is who. Best of all is the way Smecker is done. In most movies like this, the agent pursuing the vigilante heroes is portrayed as the worst scum alive just because they're doing their job,…

  • The City of Lost Children

    The City of Lost Children

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I keep my vhs tapes organized alphabetically in a dresser. Feeling bad for having not watched something in a while, due to my own predilection for abiding by rules that both help and hinder my engagement with something, I decided to arbitrarily pick the third row, second column, and second tape from the top. So you can imagine my surprise when Christmas is so central to the plot. The distortion of things, mere days after taking down the decorations in…

  • My Cousin Vinny

    My Cousin Vinny

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Remarkably, whenever I happened to catch this on tv, it was always at some point after the arraignment. So, at no point had I seen the first portion of the movie prior to Joe Pesci's arrival, which unlike my timing was mostly unremarkable, thus further ensuring I would never here any quotable lines from these scenes. It's funny, with two comedy of errors type misunderstandings, the phony confession and Vinny meeting the kids in the cell, but nothing that pops…

  • The 'Burbs

    The 'Burbs

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The motivations of Joe Dante in making this picture could've been as a pastiche of the mundanity of suburban life, or showing how the life is anything but. Either way, you can't deny that it oozes style, not necessarily in its cinematography, which is just above average, but in the plot and scoring. The dust devil kicking up only when Ray crosses the property line, the dramatic reveal of Klopek the younger, the subsequent attempt to establish contact, Ray's nightmare,…

  • Alice's Restaurant

    Alice's Restaurant

    From a young age, I have made it a tradition to listen to the song Alice's Restaurant Massacree. It began with some station, either The Sound or KROQ, playing it every year at midnight, when I used to listen to the radio so I could fall asleep. I then decided to listen to it during the day of Thanksgiving, so as to not interrupt my sleep and because I now need silence to fall asleep. This was over the span…

  • Fiddler on the Roof

    Fiddler on the Roof

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Tevye is the milkman in the village of Anatevya, and is very bright, very faithful, and very poor. The story mainly concerns the marriages that three of his five daughters go through, and his reactions to them ("On the Other Hand" and its 2 reprisals). As is traditional to the culture, a matchmaker would make suggestions for marriage, and assuming the parents of the son & daughter could reach an accord, a contract would be drawn up. Tev's eldest daughter, Tzeitel,…

  • Suicide Kings

    Suicide Kings

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    The movie just starts. Avery and the guys are gonna kidnap famous former mafia boss Charlie Barrett in order to pay a $2 mil ransom for his sister, and for every body part the kidnappers send them, Barrett loses the same. From here, every 10 or 15 minutes there's another reveal that escalates things with 4 ticking clocks: a possible mole amongst the guys, the kidnappers being complete wackadoos who would shoot eachother over what channel the tv is on,…

  • Alex & Emma

    Alex & Emma

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I do some creative writing in my spare time, purely for personal reasons. I mean, I must if I can dedicate the time and energy to making these reviews, right? And Alex Sheldon's line "I know the characters, they tell me where the story goes" may have subconsciously affected how I do my writing. I say "may" because the first time I saw this movie, I had dropped in partway on HBO during a free weekend, it was during one…

  • Bathtubs Over Broadway

    Bathtubs Over Broadway

    I was motivated to finally watch this because it's leaving Netflix tomorrow, so hurry and watch it before you read my review.

    The story of how The Bathrooms Are Coming is intertwined with a biopic of Steve Young, the writer with the most seniority on the late Late Show with David Letterman. It details how, as a comedy writer, Young has developed more discerning tastes, and how specifically for being one as long as he has, these tastes lie on…

  • Freddy vs. Jason

    Freddy vs. Jason

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    "Make them remember me, Jason. Make them remember what fear tastes like!"

    Freddy's opening monologue finally answers the question that was scratching at the door of my mind, explaining that Freddy's powers running off of the fear of the children was only introduced here, at the end of it all. This, I have always maintained, is much better than the dream demons from Freddy's Dead, which is still canon here, since we see Doc amidst the flashbacks playing over his…

  • Jason X

    Jason X

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    "The other viable is marked 'Voorhees'. That's not Jason Voorhees, is it?"

    Now being held in a subterranean research facility, taking place in what I imagine to be an alternate timeline where either Creighton Duke doesn't exist or where he managed to kill his sole remaining relatives, Jason is the subject of intense study to find a way to harness his regenerative abilities. During an attempt to transfer him to a different facility, he escapes and kills an entire team…