• The Funhouse

    The Funhouse

    ★★★★

    Probably the most gentle and humane slasher I can imagine.

  • The Cabin in the Woods

    The Cabin in the Woods

    ½

    With the visual acuity of some of the lesser Hellraiser films and the comedic talents of that awful guy you knew in high school this cult classic* should make audiences scream -and laugh!- for years to come



    *fucking awful garbage piece of shit

  • U.F.O.

    U.F.O.

    Jean-Claude Van Damme's only in this for like ten minutes max

  • Hellraiser: Revelations

    Hellraiser: Revelations

    "There is a spirit which I feel that delights to do no evil, nor to revenge any wrong, but delights to endure all things, in hope to enjoy its own in the end. Its hope is to outlive all wrath and contention, and to weary out all exaltation and cruelty, or whatever is of a nature contrary to itself. It sees to the end of all temptations. As it bears no evil in itself, so it conceives none in thought…

  • Hellraiser: Hellworld

    Hellraiser: Hellworld

    ½

    Okay why am I doing this again

  • Hellraiser: Deader

    Hellraiser: Deader

    ½

    "as every unrighteous action is witnessed against and reproved by this light and seed, so by such actions it is hurt, wounded and slain, and flees from them; even the flesh of man flees from that which is of a contrary nature to it."

  • Hellraiser: Hellseeker

    Hellraiser: Hellseeker

    "To live an entirely private life means above all to be deprived of things essential to human life: to be deprived of the reality that comes from being seen and heard by others, to be deprived of an 'objective' relationship with them that comes from being related to and separated from them through the intermediary of a common world of things, to be deprived of the possibility of achieving something more permanent than life itself."

  • Hellraiser: Inferno

    Hellraiser: Inferno

    ★★★

    "I fucked her then
    Washed off my dick
    With the curtains
    Inside of the
    Phantom"

  • The Cat and the Canary

    The Cat and the Canary

    ★★★½

    "Modern enchantment with 'small things,' though preached by early twentieth-century poetry in almost all European tongues, has found its classical presentation in the petit bonheur of the French people. Since the decay of their once great and glorious public realm, the French have become masters in the art of being happy among 'small things,' within the space of their own four walls, between chest and bed, table and chair, dog and cat and flowerpot, extending to these things a care…

  • Hellraiser: Bloodline

    Hellraiser: Bloodline

    ★½

    "But all this opposing and gainsaying of women's speaking hath arisen out of the bottomless pit, and spirit of darkness that hath spoken for these many hundred years together in this night of apostasy, since the Revelations have ceased and been hid. And so that spirit hath limited and bound up all within its bonds and compass, and so would suffer none to speak, but such as the spirit of darkness approved, man or woman."

  • Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

    Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth

    ½

    "in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses, in stripes above patience, in prison frequently, in deaths often, in tumults, in labours, in watchings, in hunger, in fastings oft, in cold and nakedness, in poverty, in long suffering, and love unfeigned."

  • Hellbound: Hellraiser II

    Hellbound: Hellraiser II

    ★★½

    “So I went away and when I had done what business I had to do, I returned home, but did not go to bed that night, nor could I sleep, but sometimes walked up and down, and sometimes prayed and cried to the Lord, who said unto me, ‘Thou seest how young people go together into vanity, and old people into the earth; thou must forsake all, both young and old, and keep out of all, and be as a stranger unto all.’"