Those has written 20 reviews for films with no rating during 2021.

  • Vincenzo

    Vincenzo

    The story of a man with an extraordinary talent for holding various kinds of cups and glasses.

  • Just What the Doctor Ordered

    Just What the Doctor Ordered

    A comparatively sedate, back-to-basics affair for the Stalked By My Doctor saga.

    On the one hand that's probably a good idea given the unsustainable zaniness of the last couple entries in the series, but on the other hand there isn't nearly enough of Dr. Beck's laid-back Parrothead alter ego in this one. We demand more Laid Back Beck in Part VI!

  • Murder in the Vineyard

    Murder in the Vineyard

    The most egregious title bait-and-switch I’ve ever seen from Lifetime, which is really saying something considering how often they pull this shit. Not only does the movie’s sole murder happen nowhere near the vineyard, there’s hardly any vineyard action at all! Instead it turns out to be, of all things, a bog-standard High School Cyberbullying Gone Too Far movie with like three scenes incidentally set at a vineyard and maybe two offhanded references to “biodynamic wines.” Give me someone drowning in…

  • Secrets in the Woods

    Secrets in the Woods

    “Of course it works, it’s a toilet.”

    Never follow a Brant to a second location.

  • White Heart

    White Heart

    What Andre Bazin called film’s “indexicality,” the medium’s inherent capacity to record an “imprint” of reality, is really more of a useful fiction than anything, a necessary narrowing of our perceptive bandwidth to prevent us from looking at every film the way Funes the Memorious looks at a flower. Because in truth reality (such as it is) is just the first of an incalculable number of greasy mitts a film has to pass through on its way to us, and…

  • Whispering Pines 3

    Whispering Pines 3

    "I really like its texture, but I can't understand what it is trying to say."

  • The Wrong Valentine

    The Wrong Valentine

    If he starts sending you unsolicited pictures of scones that’s a big red flag ladies

  • Paradise Prey

    Paradise Prey

    About as close as we’re ever likely to get to an Andy Sidaris Lifetime movie.

  • The Pit and the Pendulum

    The Pit and the Pendulum

    When JB is describing the titular Pendulum I swear you can literally see the atrocious gearpunk aesthetic at TomTom being born as a twinkle in Tom Sandoval’s eye.

  • Deadly Mile High Club

    Deadly Mile High Club

    “I stopped at Whole Foods and put a down payment on dinner.”

    No Doug Campbell joint is complete without an explicit Hitchcock homage and a needlessly detailed explanation for why the villain has chloroform.

  • Stalked by My Neighbor

    Stalked by My Neighbor

    Curiously, it’s the protagonist herself who does all the stalking in this one, making this the first  Lifetime movie I’ve seen that actually seems to be pro-stalking.

    But if she’s the titular “Neighbor,” then to whom does “My” refer? This movie should have been called “Stalked By Our Neighbor” and I will be writing a strongly worded letter to Lifetime to that effect.

  • Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker's Nightmare

    Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker's Nightmare

    “Time’s Up, pigs.”

    Is this the first crossover event in the LCU?