Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story ★★

In writing this review, the first thing I typed out was, "I would've liked this when I was six — unfortunately, I am not six." But then I thought about it and realized that by the time I was six I'd already seen the original trilogy movies more times than I could count, and even at that young age I think I would have intuitively understood those three movies to be far, far better films than this, even if I'd have lacked the ability to point to why that is.

Now that I'm older, I can point to why this movie doesn't hold a candle to its predecessors — bland, static characters; no narrative tension; no moment-to-moment tension, such as in action scenes or other such sequences; piss poor pacing; no emotional investment. The last one is kinda a symptom of the first one, but whatever.

I haven't seen Solo, but the fact that this is called "the good one" of the spin-off films makes me shudder to think what that movie's like.

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