Suicide Squad ½

My Twitter handle may be RandyHatesFilms, but of course, that's just a joke. I'm kinda strict about films and my friends like to joke about how I probably hate movies. Rather, I adore cinema. When I see something that I don't particularly, I try not to spread too much hate, because I'd much rather talk about something I love.

But this thing...

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a new low. The fact that anybody sees anything of value in this thing makes me scratch my head, because Suicide Squad is a sexist, racist, choppy, stale, unamusing, drab, infantile, overstuffed, squirm-inducing abomination. If you found it in your heart to enjoy this movie, I envy you, because I spent $15 that I earned with time out of my life just to give this colossal catastrophe another two hours and every part of me hates myself for it.

There is not a single good performance from any of the cast, and it makes me sad. Jared Leto is already one of the worst humans to walk the earth - ignoring how untalented he is - so I did not expect much from him. But Margot Robbie and Will Smith I expected just to be passable at the least. Nevertheless, Margot Robbie delivers her jokes horrendously (the jokes are awful too) while struggling to keep any particular accent, and Will Smith plays a watered-down Will Smith. Jai Courtney made me think he was Tom Hardy until he opened his mouth and unveiled how uninteresting he is.

Each character is just as obnoxious as the last. Harley is an over sexualized senseless play thing thrown on screen for adolescents - of body or mind - to have something to look at. Deadshot feels as if he was generated by a computer programmed to create super villains that are "human". Killer Croc is DC's answer to Guardians of the Galaxy's Groot (although this entire calamity is essentially DC's answer to GotG). El Diablo was probably written by a white person as I could not think of a Latino stereotype that wasn't a part of his character. Slipknot existed for ten minutes as a plot device. Viola Davis' character is exactly the same as every other top CIA FBI DEA NBC whatever-the-hell placeholder executive churned out in other Hollywood blockbusters. The sergeant and his blackmagic lover were definitely written as an excuse to have a romantic subplot, because God knows every movie needs one of those.

Is that all of the characters? I certainly can't remember anybody else who was in this, or maybe I just don't want to.

Rather than explain what makes the dialogue so bad, I'm just going to throw in a few direct quotes and see what you think.

So, we're just some sort of Suicide Squad?

(Nonchalantly) Mommy says I can't live with you because you kill people.

("Comedically") What perfume are you wearing? Is that the scent of death?

That's the sword he used to kill her father. His soul is trapped inside and she talks to him.

Make of these lines what you will.

I haven't even mentioned the editing yet. If it weren't for the editing, this thing might actually be tolerable. Warner Bros' editor most likely just set up the slice tool on his mouse and clicked away in completely random spots. Don't believe me? Take a look at this scene starting at 1:50 and going to 2:12. This isn't even arthouse, experimental, or smart; it's incoherent and headache-inducing. I don't know who does the cuts for DC to make their theatrical releases different, but they need to be blacklisted.

The fact that these characters are supposed to be "bad guys" is frankly embarrassing. Just because they'll punch somebody because "she had a mouth" and occasionally steal something because "we're bad guys, it's what we do" doesn't fix vibes that these are superheroes who call themselves villains. Like edgy emo high schoolers, they put on ridiculous clothes and makeup to reek havoc but are really just insecure. It's the worst way to go about producing the interesting concept of bad guys fighting bad guys. Speaking of bad guys, the villains made me feel embarrassed for anybody involved with Suicide Squad. They are so poorly designed, cookie-cutter, and underutilized that I almost wanted to laugh whenever they were on screen. But alas, I was too mortified that other people were actually having to sit through this with me.

My embarrassment only grew every time another song started playing. Most of the songs were terrible, and the few decent songs are only good independently of this grotesque garbage. The original soundtrack is awful, getting worse the longer you listen (transitioning from Skrillex to Lil Wayne to twenty one pilots to Panic! At The Disco, all horrible artists/bands that deserve to be involved with Suicide-prompting Squad as they are just as try-hard).

And now, for my biggest issue with David Ayer's disasterpiece... The marketing. Anybody who thinks it's just a coincidence that Jared Leto admitted to all his crazy shenanigans, Jai Courtney admitted to doing shrooms and self harming, Cara Delevingne admitted to walking around a forest naked to "prepare for the role," and Will Smith admitted to the cast being "super horny" on set is delusional. This is obviously a ploy by DC. They want all of these crazy things to be shared back and forth on the internet so it can attract extra attention for being 2EDGY4ME. And I detest it.

Okay, I'm done. Don't give Suicide Squad a single cent of your hard-earned money because it does not deserve any of it. After a full night's rest, this may be the worst movie I've ever seen.


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