• The Suicide Squad

    The Suicide Squad

    ★★

    I refuse to believe that this was directed by James Gunn. It must’ve been shadow-directed by Uwe Boll or something. Surely.

  • Gates of Hell 2: Dead Awakening

    Gates of Hell 2: Dead Awakening

    ★★½

    I’ve got a fun drinking game for everyone who knows this as “Through The Fire”. Take a shot every time you see a fire and have a fun, alcohol-free evening.

  • Riders of Justice

    Riders of Justice

    ★★★★

    The people sitting in front on me were acting like reaction youtubers and whilst it was fascinating to see that there are actually people like that, can they just go extinct already?

  • Lucifer's Women

    Lucifer's Women

    ★★★

    Set in a world where everyone is constantly on coke. A.K.A the writers room

  • Top Gun

    Top Gun

    ★★★½

    This wasn’t accurate at all. Where was Tom Cruise’s booster seat so he could see over the steering wheel?

  • Big Trouble in Little China

    Big Trouble in Little China

    ★★★★★

    90-Day-Finace gone horribly wrong

  • Hedwig and the Angry Inch

    Hedwig and the Angry Inch

    ★★★★★

    John Cameron Mitchell is one of the most multi-talented directors and anyone who disagrees is a straight up clown. From drag queen to porn director, he has quite literally done it all.

  • Vagabond

    Vagabond

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Girlboss cinema in 2021: watch cruella be cool with dresses and bats 🤩 

    Girlboss cinema in 1985: watch this homeless lady slowly die after being ambushed by men dressed as radishes

  • Old

    Old

    ★★★★★

    Can’t believe some people are gonna say “M Night is back” as if he ever went away 🙄

  • Space Jam: A New Legacy

    Space Jam: A New Legacy

    The following chant will summon the devil of Warner Brothers, it should only be used when you are prepared and are properly anticipating the devil’s presence. Here goes.

    Warner brothers (x4)
    We own everything and we’ll soon own you
    Warner brothers (x4)
    We bought Lebron so we’ll soon buy you
    We own DC
    We own Game Of Thrones
    We own Batman
    We own superman
    We own the matrix
    We own looney tunes 
    We own mad max
    We own Harry Potter…

  • The Croods: A New Age

    The Croods: A New Age

    ★★½

    This is the first time I’ve ever been completely alone in an opening day screening. What this means for the future of Dreamworks, I don’t know but if it has anything to do with Shrek 5, punches will be thrown.

  • Escape Room: Tournament of Champions

    Escape Room: Tournament of Champions

    ★★½

    This review contains spoilers for the first Escape Room film.

    The Sony horror division, we meet again after the underwhelming mess that was The Unholy. The biggest problem with these Blumhouse reject films (Escape Room and Countdown specifically) is that Blumhouse's marketing team do an incredible job. And sony's...well... they also marketed Ghostbusters 2016. When you're going into a Blumhouse movie, you already know if it's gonna be good, or shlock. When comparing the marketing for The Unholy and something…